The history…

I’m fat.  REALLY REALLY fat.  People tell me that I’m not really, that I’m just curvy.  I don’t believe a word of it and I find it somewhat irritating when they say I’m not fat.  Do they think I’m stupid??  I’m told that perhaps I have a hint of body dysmorphia.  Actually I do, but it’s a weird kind of body dysmorphia.  I think I’m the fattest person in the world and then I look in the mirror and think “oh, that’s not too bad actually…” and then I see a photo of myself or I step onto the scales or I find that I can no longer fit into my already incredibly enormous clothes.  And then I remember that I really am fat.  I’m far, far heavier than any man I know, let alone the women.

I wasn’t always fat.  I was a skinny child and a skinny teenager.  My legs were like sticks.  And then, at 18, I had a boyfriend who was a bodybuilder and ate an obscene amount…and I kept up with him.  Since that day, I’ve struggled with my weight.

I was depressed at university because of my weight.  I was reclusive and never left my house unless it was to go to lectures.  I didn’t have very many friends.

After university I moved down to London and discovered a city where I could blend into the background and for a year I was pretty happy.

Everything went a little bit wrong – I lost my (pretty rubbish) job at the same time that my lease was up on my flat.  I decided to leave London and I moved to Newcastle to go back to university.  Once again, I became pretty reclusive.  I barely went out and I found myself counting the days until I could move back to London, which I did in the summer of 2004.

In 2008 I lost a lot of weight – nearly 3 stones in 4 months – thanks to Weight Watchers and a new-found focus.  I felt amazing and I felt like I may be entitled to the happy-ever-after like everyone else.  I had a boyfriend for the first time since I was 18 (yes, I really had been single for 12 years) and everything seemed good.  Then, something bad happened – a very good friend and colleague died suddenly and unexpectedly, my boyfriend dumped me via text message the night before her funeral and I sank into a very deep depression and so I turned to what I know – comfort eating.

In the last 3 years since Jo’s death, I’ve put back on every one of those 3 stones plus another stone and a bit.  I’m officially disgustingly obese and I’m seriously unhappy with myself.  I’m also incredibly cross with myself for letting this happen.

Anyway, on Saturday I was sitting in the pub with my lovely friend @shedlikesfood and we were discussing the fact that I keep falling off my diet and that I need some motivation.  She suggested that I start blogging – be it thoughts, recipes, details of what I’ve eaten on a particular day, confessing on a weekly basis whether I’ve lost any weight…and even though I feel it’s incredibly self-indulgent, I’m at a point where I think it may be worth a shot.

I HAVE to lose weight.  I don’t like myself very much at the moment and I’m now 33, I want to meet someone and eventually have babies and Live the Dream.  Until I like myself, that’s not going to happen.  =

Finally, here are a few pictures.  I haven’t really let anyone take any photos of me for a good few years, so my fat photos are from almost 4 years ago.  I think that I’m actually bigger now that I was then, so you’ll just have to make an educated guess about what I look like now (unless you’ve met me of course).  The fat photos make me do a little sick in my mouth.

The thin photos are from when I lost all my weight before my friend died.  The irony being that, at the time, I thought that I was still huge (not helped by the aforementioned boyfriend telling me I still needed to lose a lot of weight.)  I can see now that I wasn’t at all and that I looked great.  These photos are my target weight. (Apologies (a) for the dreadful sash on the dress and (b) for the ridiculous pose – I was drunk).

The last photo is a recent face shot.  FAT FACE.

So.  Here we go…

29 thoughts on “The history…

  1. This is a great idea – I'm right behind you on this. Good luck! And as a side project, whilst you slim down and look amazing, can I hunt down your ex and break his legs…? x

  2. Thanks Shed, you're a little lovely.Miss Beaver, thank you for reading and for the support! Re the ex, I think he's (wisely) left the country. With hindsight, he was terminally dull with no sense of humour, he did me a favour! x

  3. Grr – stupid Blogger – I've tried to post this LOTS of times…I've said this already, so you know what I think, but I'm just committing it to public record :-)Fat or not (and I'm pretty sure that's subjective), you are beautiful. The photos in this post (ALL of them) totally bear this out.If I was as gorgeous as you, I would be a Happy Chicken!Though obviously, if it makes you happy, I'm totally supportive of the Campaign… Hope the blog helps!

  4. Miss Whiplash, you're so lovely. It's always, always nice to hear but I need to BELIEVE it. So keep supporting the Campaign and hopefully I'll get there one day. xxx

  5. I know this isn't the point of the post, but he dumped you by text message the night before your friend's funeral?! Bloody hell. Good luck with the dieting – I think you're lovely, but I know everyone saying how pretty you are is no consolation when you don't like the way you look. Shall be cheering you on. x

  6. Thanks G&C. No more tables of cakes for me! SOB. And yes. He really did dump me the night before the funeral by text. Apparently he had forgotten what was happening the following day! I never saw him again, unsurprisingly. Bullet Dodged. x

  7. A rather sad blog really.You eat to medicate your feelings of self loathing and get overweight and self loath even more. Sadly losing weight wont fix this because there is something in you that is causing this pain, fix that and you will find some happiness.Sorry to sound like a bloody know it all but as a recovering alcoholic and drug addict i used to medicate my self quite a lot and can feel the pain you are feeling.Not sure if i should have written this but felt motivated to help.Vince

  8. @thebakehouseboy – what you say is true. Losing the weight won't miraculously solve all my problems by any stretch, however, from past experience, it does make the other problems easier to bear. I'm working on the other stuff too, but I have no intention of blogging that – it's too personal and I'm not sure it's possible to be "fixed" really. Sorry to hear what you've been through. I hope the recovering continues. Thanks for your message. x

  9. Yeah i guess fixed is the wrong word, perhaps come to an acceptance of yourself is a better way to put it.I will always be that little boy who no one wanted and put in an orphanage but i came to accept that rejection and understand that i am worth loving and that i don't have to drink or take drugs to make myself feel better about me.I hope your diet starts you on that road too.

  10. I'm only *your* friend if you received bordering on 300 out of office responses from me today Keep at the SW and set yourself £ related goals. You'll get there, darling x

  11. For as long as I have known you, which is a mighty long time now, I have Always thought you beautiful. And very fucking funny. And my son loved you.I'm totally behind you all the way you've done it before of course you can do it again. And pleeeease get your ass up to York and take me drinking (clear spirits & slimeline tonic all the way) I need a bloody good night out 🙂 xx

  12. Didn't take you long to guess ;D sorry wasn't being deliberately secret my user name is set up for posting elsewhere but mainly because one day I will marry Noel fielding……in my parallel life

  13. Can I recommend Ginas Skinny Recipes website? It's American so you'll need to be able to convert recipes, but she really loves flavour so her recipes are really tasty – and there are loads of them. Good luck, I'll keep checking back on your progress! x

  14. @Nicky – that's amazing! I've never seen that website before, I'll definitely use that (if I can figure out the conversions). Thanks for the tip – really helpful. x

  15. A pleasure – I can highly recommend the Southwest Turkey meatballs and dipping sauce, but I roll them in flatbread with sliced tomatoes and jalapenos. The meatballs and the sauce both freeze too.

  16. Fran,Totally understand where you're coming from. How sad that you're filled with such fear. Do love yourself. You're beautiful and worth it. And don't ever put up with a boyfriend who tells you you need to lose weight.

  17. Thank you Cheryl, that's really lovely. And no, I would never put up with a boyfriend that did that to me again. My last one was wonderful from that point of view.

  18. OK i know i am over a year late with this, but i've just seen a link to your blog on someone else's page (from a post by someone else on twitter…random!) so i thought i'd read your history before reading the latest. Can i please say that i have opposite body dismorphia too!!!!!!! I look in the mirror and i think i don't look too bad! Even when i got up to 18 stone! but yeah then i'd see pictures and be like eh? wtf…is that ME???? Anyway i am excited to read how your last year went. I started dieting in April and lost 2 stone but have since put half back on. Am weighing in tonight tho just cos i don't want to be faaaaaat anymoooooreeeee!!!! XX

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