Years ago, when I managed to lose a lot of weight and became relatively slim, I got there because I had so much motivation and willpower. Not dieting just wasn’t an option. I could easily sit with a friend who was scarfing a huge burger and could resist their offer of a chip or two. I could see The Bigger Picture which, ultimately, was happiness. I worked really, really hard at it and the results were amazing – 3 stone in 4 months.
I’ve never been able to get back to this. My life has changed dramatically since then. For one reason or another, my network of friends is very different and my spare time now revolves around eating out in a way it just didn’t before. It’s an easy excuse to make – So much temptation! How do I diet when I’m always eating out! – but it doesn’t answer the problem with my motivation.
A huge part of the problem is that I’m all or nothing where dieting is concerned. When I start dieting, it’s like I’m an inflated balloon, filled with good intentions and I do well for a while, but nobody has tied a knot in the bottom of the balloon to make it secure to keep all the goodness in. I do one thing that’s not diet friendly and instead of looking at it as a tiny lapse, I let the balloon go and it loses all control, bouncing off everything, doing as much damage as it possibly can before it lands, deflated and miserable in a heap.
Since my Weight Watchers meeting was cancelled, I have spent the last three weeks over-eating to such an extent that it makes me hate myself. I’ve eaten everything in sight – office doughnuts even when they’re a day old and hard, takeaways, so much toast with peanut butter, pasta pasta pasta, fat and filth. I feel sluggish and disgusting. I’m putting back on the weight that I’ve lost, my plus size clothes are becoming tight again and I have no energy. Why do I do this? It makes me so sad that I do it to myself time and time again. And yes, the obvious and only answer is just to stop doing it…if only it were that simple. I live alone, I feel very alone a lot of the time and I guess I feel like the hopes and dreams that I had a few years ago to meet someone and have a family have slipped away, so what’s the point in trying?
I don’t know how to fix this. I’ve tried everything – fad diets, sensible diets, diets where a month’s worth of meals are delivered to my door, I’ve had dieting “buddies”, hypnotherapy…I just can’t make anything work. I promised myself I wouldn’t be fat when I went to Australia last year, but I was enormous. I promised myself that I wouldn’t have another fat summer and yet another one is bearing down on me when I won’t be able to go and sit in the sun with my friends because I’ll overheat in my black winter clothes which are the only clothes I own because they cover up the flabby flesh.
I don’t know how to fix this and it’s making me so unhappy.