Black Dog

My Black Dog has descended.  He’s something that I fight every day of my life but, perhaps twice a year, he moves himself in and I can’t, for love nor money, get rid of him. 

The world becomes a very scary and unpleasant place when he’s here.  I find myself sitting in silence and staring into space for hours on end.  When I’m not doing that, chances are I’m crying.  The sort of crying that physically hurts and feels like it will never stop.  My stomach becomes this tight ball of anxiety and anger…the anger is the worst part for me. 

I hate anything and everything – including you, probably.  I grew up in a family where anger was never expressed and it’s something that I now fear because it is such an unfamiliar emotion and I’m scared of the consequences of it bubbling over and showing its face.  I see everything as a personal slight.  Friends who are out and about having fun clearly don’t care about me at all…how dare they get on with their lives when I’m on my knees?  Everything makes me angry.

I know that I’m not being rational – clearly I’m being insane and unreasonable and unpleasant.  I know all of that.  I become this vile, bitter person.  So very bitter.

I am alienating everyone right now, including the person I probably care about most in the world.  I’m just being so bloody horrible to him and he inexplicably sticks around despite the fact that I’ve done this to him several times now. 

I’m not sure of the purpose of this post.  It’s not one that I’m sending to facebook or twitter, so it’s not one that I’m really putting out there to be read.  I think it’s probably just my way of explaining to my friends that might stumble across it, why I’m disappearing for a while and why I’m cancelling the things that we’re supposed to be doing together.  It’s my way of apologising for being like this.  Believe me, I don’t enjoy it.

10 thoughts on “Black Dog

  1. Hugs. I know how you feel and if you ever want someone to sound off to, fire me a message on FB. I hope it lifts quickly for you this time. Take care x

  2. (here via Twitter) As a person married to a chap who also has this I just want to say that we stick around because a) we love you and b) we know that it is not YOU doing it. That you suffer too. And we will wait patiently for you. I wish you all the love in the world even though I suspect you think you don't deserve it. You do.

  3. Popped on here as noticed you had disappeared from Twitter. Just wanted to say I hope you feel a bit stronger soon *sending you some virtual salt and pepper squid*.

  4. Thank you all. I'm feeling a little bit better but am just having a bit of time out on my own – I think it's doing me good. I haven't been very good at spending time alone in recent years (problematic given that I live on my own!) so I'm trying to get used to it and learn to like it again. Thanks for hugs, love and virtual salt and pepper squid. All are greatly appreciated. xx

  5. Hello lovely, just back from holiday and came looking for you. What a horrible time for you. Take care of yourself, and hope that it abates and you're ready to see other people soon.

  6. @Nicky – I do know him, he's incredibly lovely. I don't find it wildly helpful to discuss my depression with other depressed people though. Often it leads to people trying to out-depress each other. It's something I prefer to avoid…and with the best will in the world, I need to do what I can to look after myself right now. Depressed people are depressing (believe me, I am fully aware that it's incredibly tedious) – I don't have it in me to help others with their depression right now. It drags me down.I am, however, feeling vastly better than I was a couple of weeks ago.

  7. Sorry to see this Fran. I hope things improve for you soon. I've been going through something similar recently too so I know how horrible it can feel. Don't forget there are a lot of people who care about you a great deal, even if it doesn't help at the moment I hope it will soon.Phil.

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