I haven’t blogged for ages. This is largely for the following reasons:
(a) I haven’t really cooked anything for a while; and
(b) I’m just getting fatter and fatter.
I find myself in a very weird and uneasy situation: one where I’m totally unhappy with my life, with myself…hating the way that I look and feeling that my weight is responsible for a good 80% of my misery (I have been thin – I KNOW it’s good being in that gang) and yet I’m seemingly powerless to do anything about it.
I arrange nights out. I eat anything and everything that I want when I’m out, taking no care to avoid the bit that’s fried. I invite people over for lunch and cook them onglet with beef dripping chips and mayonnaise.
Our systems went down at work today and I went out to do various bank-related stuff. On the way back to the office I noticed that FOR THE FIRST TIME EVER there wasn’t a queue around the block at Chilango, so in I walked. Burritos aren’t even really my thing. I could have had a salad. I could even have had a relatively healthy burrito, but no. I looked at the array of sauces and cheese and guacamole in front of me and I pretty much thought “What’s the way of making this the most unhealthy it could possibly be? Get it all in there.” And so I did.
I’m out of control and I truly, truly don’t know why. Confession time – I’ve been having counselling recently (it’s finished now) and my therapist asked me why I wasn’t taking action over a couple of issues that we’ve been focusing on. Inaction over one of the things was completely clear to me – scared of change, fear of rejection and all that jazz. But this? Why am I doing everything in my power to screw myself up even more? Why can’t I just stop eating? I just don’t know. I really can’t figure it out.
It’s making me so unhappy. There’s an event on next week and I’m probably going to bail out because I’m ashamed of how I look right now. I don’t want to meet people looking like this. I’m horrified that I haven’t lost the weight I’d intended to lose before going to Australia. We’re going to the Sydney Races – I’ll have to wear a skirt or a dress…this is disastrous.
I don’t really know why I’ve done this blog post.
I’ve just revisited my list of New Year’s Resolutions. I have resolutely failed on all of them except I HAVE given up smoking (go me!) and I have cut down my alcohol intake significantly. Although now when I do drink…woweeeeeeeeee….it’s not a good look.
Anyway. Sorry for the moan. And to my actual, real-life friends, I’m sorry I’m such a miserable bastard right now. You’ve been so good to me.