New Beginnings

I find Christmas, and the run up to it, pretty hard. Don’t get me wrong, I LOVE Christmas – I love how sociable it is and that I get to see lots of friends and family – but it’s also tough. I totally lose control of myself and gorge and gorge on alcohol and food for a good month. I watch myself getting fatter and fatter and I beat myself up for being a self-destructive idiot with no willpower who is just making a bad situation worse. Christmas also makes me reflect a lot on my life.

I go home for Christmas every year and I’m always hugely excited about it, but then I get there and I’m surrounded by my family’s families and it just reminds me that I haven’t got a little family of my own, nor am I anywhere near to having one. And I find that difficult, heart-wrenching, soul-destroying and terrifying. Again – don’t get me wrong – I love spending time at home with my family, but there are moments where the melancholy breaks through a bit.

So it’s a new year. It started well, I saw it in with one of my very favourite people who cares about me a lot and dragged me out to have fun. I danced. I never dance, ever. We got drunk, we ate dirty dirty food at 2am (well I did, he’s vegetarian – how dirty can it get?) and then we rolled home to our respective beds.

I woke up on January 1st feeling brilliant and positive and like this could be the year that I get a bit happy and start being a bit nicer to myself. So I made some resolutions:

1. Give up smoking.

Yup. It has to be done. It’s disgusting and expensive and I have no lung capacity and, frankly, I have enough vices. This must be done by the end of the year.

2. Drink less; eat less and better things.

I drink too much. I can drink most people under the table. THIS IS NOT A GOOD THING. I also eat way too much. Portion control is my nemesis. I’m going to kick its ass this year. I’m also crap at eating fruit and vegetables. These must start featuring at each and every meal.

3. Be nicer to myself & less self-destructive.

Wah wah wah. No real idea how but I’m going to try.

4. Lose 5 stones.

Yes, really. 5. I calculated that I have put on 2lbs per month, on average, over the last 3 years. Idiot. Now I have to lose it. I have lovely small clothes to get back into, I was happy when I was thinner. I’ve joined weight watchers and I am going to my first meeting today.

5.Take lunch to work a minimum of 3 times a week.

I’m skint. In addition the only places near to my office are Tesco, Pret and Carluccios. Bad. This resolution worries me because I’ve recently realised something: I don’t like cold food. And we have no heating facilities at work. Salad makes me want to shoot myself and I’m not a huge fan of the sandwich. Uh oh.

6. Use the step machine when watching tv.

Yes, I really do own one. I have used it once and I got tired so I hid it. Idiot.

7. De-clutter the flat, paint the kitchen, bathroom and doors.

I have been meaning to paint these things for 5 years. I’m almost certain to break this one because I’m so lazy.

8. Rejoin Guardian Soulmates once thinner and BEHAVE on dates.

My ex really laughed at this one. I do need to behave on dates though. I need to drink less (nothing?) and not get carried away by The Dream (Oh Ny God He’s Perfect We Will Totally Get Married And Have Babies And Snuggle On The Sofa Forever And Ever Amen.) Men can SMELL the presence of the dream. I need to BE COOL. I love dating, I’m good at it (not the getting-a-relationship-from-it part, but the date itself is almost always FUN) and the only thing stopping me from dating is my embarrassment at how I currently look.

9. Shop in Nunhead for fresh food.

I’ll break this one. I just really, really love Ocado. My bank account hates it.

10. Learn to meditate.

I’m an anxious egg. I spend a lot of time feeling stressed, anxious, worried, whatever you want to call it. I’m trying to stop this but I’m not doing very well. I think it also contributes to my insomnia, so I think that meditating would be good for me. Anyone know how?

11. Stop eating out all the time.

Essential. I can’t afford it and it’s not diet-friendly. FACT.

And that’s pretty much it. Well, there’s one more thing but I’m going to be keeping that close to my chest for the time being.

2012 is going to be the year where changes are made. Scary, but brilliant…I hope.

Happy new year.

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8 thoughts on “New Beginnings

  1. Go 2012!That's a lot of resolving – all sounds good though. I need one like 7 – DO STUPID BATHROOMS. Also declutter, but that's an ongoing battle…I need to eat out less, too – I didn't used to much, tbh, but recently I have been a big lot.We don't have to do lunch on Sunday, if you don't won't to break stuff too early? We can just have drinks afterwards instead – stupid Sunday closings seem to be conspiring against us a bit anyway…Meditating is also GOOD. I don't know whether it totally counts, but I got really good, when I was about 17, at the whole counting breathing thing – I think that's probably a pretty good way in.Guess I'd better go to work now…

  2. 5. A Thermos is your friend! Skinny stews/curries etc incl leftovers that you've frozen, always better reheated anyway.6. & 7. Stop calling yourself names – that will help with 3.2. and 11. Take up Miss Whiplashes' offer in Comment No. 1 (and only drink diet coke!) You've set lots of goals, so choosing the one that's most personally important to you in the next 6 months will be vital to making sure that you do that as a minimum and feel a sense of achievement. Some of your goals are linked, so the more-exercise and alcohol-reduction and less-eating-out really just contribute to the weightloss. Each time you do any of those it's a little step closer!Happy New Year!

  3. @Miss Whiplash – I think you're right. Let's knock lunch on the head and have a couple of drinks afterwards instead. GOOD IDEA. How did you learn how to meditate? I used to be good at the bit at the end of yoga where you lie there and chill and breathe. @Anonymous – I have thermoses. I must use them, you're right. And I have a food one which I'd totally forgotten about. This is going to require organisation to get up earlier to heat up the food but I think it'll be worth it. Good thinking. Happy new year to you too!

  4. My recorder teacher at school taught me, weirdly…It is basically just the chilling and breathing thing, though. And the counting of breaths helps regulate it, which is relaxing and also gives you something to concentrate on, whic blocks out distractions. It takes a bit of practise, but is good.Drinks after on Sun sound Super Perfect. J is babysitting mini nephew that day, so I can assist for a little bit longer before ballet (and yet still leave if/when it gets difficult 😉 )…Hurray – it's a plan

  5. If you have a Sainsburys nearby, their Veg Dansak and Morrocan Chicken & Chickpea soups are very tasty & more like stews. Also half can be frozen if you get bored taking the same thing to work 2 days in a row. They're <200 calories a serving, not sure how many ProPoints.

  6. That is a lot of resolving, but all possible I am sure! I had to stop making lists because I would never keep to them. Instead I just try and "do" (or not do) things instead of thinking about them too much. I can totally identify with the eating out thing (looking at my bank balance and credit card statements regularly helped stop that) and the bringing more food into work. Re the cold food thing – i am the same with salads and sandwiches, so bring in leftovers (curries can be particularly nice cold, weird but true), couscous, that sort of thing. and also buying some ingredients from local waitrose and constructing lunch (smoked salmon on rye etc) is a good way round this. That and a thermos of miso soup should set you right. Then, with all the money you save you could go to a meditation class. My mum found that to be the best way into meditation and she now does it every day. I mean to do the same, but with some sort of Tai Chi or other "moving meditation" to help improve coordination and eliminate general clumsiness and blundering.

  7. Hi Fran… I totally agree with 5, 8, and 11!! I am also in SE London!! I find couscous is pretty good cold. Also Vietnamese spring rolls…love them and super easy to make… They have rice noodles in them and those are good cold. Thing about #8…don't go completely against the dream and pretend to be some super cool, live in the moment, no need for anything serious girl. That also backfires…I need to find a balance… and #11 it's just super hard.

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